I was perusing my Facebook Notes and came upon this little ditty I wrote back on November 4th, 2008, when then Illinois Senator Barack Obama smacked John McCain down, son! Someday this might supplement amounting evidence that I’m a misogynist, but today, here’s to my short-lived career in political writing.
“Does this Oval Office make my butt look fat?”
By Desmond White
“Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she’s a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she’s in favor of shotgun weddings.” –Conan O'Brien

Elections today. I know, scary right? By tonight, this very night, we will find out who the next President of the United States will be. I have to say, it’s such a relief. After eight years of “The Decider” making bad decisions, I’m prepped for a change of heart, a new breath in the White House.

Which brings us to Elections. I’m not too serious about either of the two candidates, although honestly I’m leaning more towards Obama than McCain. However, there is something (or someone) that scares the dickens out of me, and that, my friends, is Sarah Palin.

I am terrified of living in a world with Sarah Palin in the White House. It makes me cry at night. Hypothesize with me (we can hold hands):

McCain becomes President. The Democrats groan, most of the Republicans groan, but McCain made it fair and scare and he’s in. Then he kicks the bucket and good ol’ Palin diva becomes the next Pres. Can I get a Darth Vader, “NOOOO!!!!” ? Because if Palin becomes President, we’re doomed. It’s not because she’s a woman, it really isn’t. Hillary Clinton had a whole slew of qualities and opinions and political agendas that probably would have made her a fine prezzie. So do McCain and Obama. But what does Palin have to offer? What does she know? What’s her policies, other than baby Jesus rode dinosaurs and everything can be solved by shooting at it with a helicopter? What’s going to happen when real-life dilemmas and situations crop up in the Oval Office? You can’t get married every time something goes wrong.

Terrorists? Machine guns and helicopters! Iran? Machine guns and helicopters! Gay marriage? Machine guns and helicopters! Abortions? And so on.

When McCain dies (it’s only a matter of days), I’m jumping the next train to Canada. I grew up with Canadians, I’ve heard great things about Canada. They have great hockey teams… well that might not be the best example of Canadian awesomeness… BUT they have French people… um… never mind… but also there’s dog-sledding and thousands of places to snowboard, and they say there are more moose (or meese?) than people up there. In fact, I think the Prime Minister’s a moose. So Canada, ho!

WAIT… What am I saying? Sarah Palin eats moose babies for BREAKFAST! With helicopters and machine guns! Even Canada’s not safe. Nowhere’s safe. Giving Palin the Vice Presidency is really just giving her a free Presidential ticket, and that’s going to be a very bad thing for everybody. For the whole world. America’s economy and world affairs are on an all-time low right now, and the last thing we need is this annoying brunette trying to fix things. She doesn’t understand world affairs AT ALL. “Russia is right over the border” and “Afghanistan is our neighboring country” just goes to show. “What’s the role of the Vice President, Missus Palin?” “Uh… the VP runs the Senate?” She’s like the hot, sexy version of Cheney! She’s dumb, she’s Republican, she’s conservative, she doesn’t belong in the White House, and she likes shooting things. SO NO PALIN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!